Month: February 2014

Remember the positive

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Meepo Life

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I was talking with someone today who suggested that maybe it’s time to move on from identifying myself solely as mentally ill. I reflected on this a while, and agreed that my thoughts about being mentally ill had taken a lot of my attention for the last five years or so.

Thinking of myself as ill has almost become a comfort zone for me. I can’t do that as I’m not well, is one thought that often crosses my mind. It’s hard though as I’ve tried to move on and think of my future many times, but the old anxiety, fear or negativity rears its unpleasant head.

But then, by focussing on my weaknesses so much, am I discounting the many positive qualities that I have? And by focussing on my mental illness, am I discounting other different experiences that I can have, whether they relate to hobbies, work and…

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Day Hospital: Part 1

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Bipolar Barbie-Q

I finally got into Adult Day Hospital. It’s about 20 adults in the basement of a hospital doing 4 hours of different group therapies and one hour for lunch (unless you’re on half days – which happens when you’ve been there for a while.) The program is about 4 weeks give or take a week or two depending on what your insurance will pop for but if you really need to be there the staff will try to work with the insurance companies to keep you there. It’s my one week one day anniversary today and I’m feeling really positive. All the grieving over Chris I’ve done has NOT come to a halt or been in vein, but rather now I have a place to process my feelings and to help me mourn the loss. My case worker thinks it’s a good idea if I stay away from talking to…

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Today

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I feel like I’ve been in prison for 8 years. In a way, I have: I am the solitary, lonely inhabitant in the labyrinthine prison of my mind. I’m tired of feeling like I’m f*cking crazy. Sartre would say that I’ve bought this upon myself. Perhaps I have. Every day produces an existential crisis. So many questions and no answers. I’m seeing my psychiatrist on Friday, so hopefully he will save me from myself. If not, I think I might be in trouble. The clashes between the Cloud of Depression and the Sunshine of Mania are taxing. They are at war in the sky. It is exhausting. Being bipolar is a full-time job, 24/7, it manifests in my dreams and in my nightmares. Sleep, the only escape, has been infiltrated by anxieties and utter fear. The only things keeping me alive today are Valium, cigarettes and the possibility that someone will save…

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When will we get it right, A day in a life of a person suffering from mental illness

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Emily Elizabeth Pierce

I woke up again last night from a terrifying nightmare about Dr. Baran imprisioning me in the hospital and forcing me to take medication against my will. The nightmares are all the same, it always is in a room with Dr. Baran sitting at the head of the table the social worker sitting across from me and the other staff sitting around. Dr. Baran relentlessly questioning me. I wake up screaming and my boyfriend tells me it’s just a dream and he will never let that doctor or anyone do that to me again.

No one knows the true pain and torture I suffered in the hospital at the hands of that psychiatrist. The emotional torture I was put through. I still remember my lawyer telling me I want to be able to give the judge a stellar report and I said yes no problem. The monday before court when…

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