Month: March 2014

Thank you for sharing.

Dearest Depression

I could do without the mood swings. No doubt, the highs are good. Somehow they always end in a low. Where does the pain of depression come from? What actually causes the pain? Why won’t it stop? Is there a solution?

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The real story

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The world from down here

One of my best friends became depressed when we were 10 years old. She started self harming. When we were 11 she tried to kill herself for the first time but that wasn’t the only time she would try. Bad things happened to her that she couldn’t control. We understood that. What we couldn’t understand was why bad things happened that she could control. She explained to us how cutting herself was a release, told us how good it felt. We were 11, we didn’t understand. You know when you’re little and you see a friend do something they shouldn’t do and they ask you to keep it a secret. Now most of you will be thinking of them taking a chocolate or something without asking. That’s not what I think of. Really you could call it misguided loyalty but really it was just denial and ignorance. And I’m so…

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March 19, 2014

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Brutally Bipolar

I hate being home. My dad and sister downplay or just plain don’t believe what I have. My sister told me that’s “you choose to be sad every other week.” It was all I could do not to punch her, and she said this in front of my mom who didn’t even defend me but instead changed the subject back to her weight gain (we had been talking about medications). My sister told me that my mother has a right to be depressed because of her childhood trauma and that that is the only real reason to have any sort of problem. I want to strangle her. I want to drug her so she can’t think straight and can’t feel. I want to feed her my lithium so she gains weight. I want to have someone hurt her so badly that she’s depressed and considers suicide. I want her to…

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Loved Ones

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My best friend keeps asking how I am. I keep ignoring her. If I lie and say I am okay, she will want to meet up. If I tell her the truth, I’ll feel like a failure and she wont understand. She might want to meet up anyway and I don’t want to see her or anyone else.

My family is smothering me. I get angry when they call or text to check up on me. I yelled at my mother the other day for asking what I did that day. I told her that I am fine and that she doesn’t need to worry about me.

I just want them all to leave me alone. I want to be able to do absolutely fuck all. I don’t want to have to explain myself or pretend to be fine.

I can’t handle doing anything. I don’t want to do anything…

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