Month: July 2014

An Open Letter to Dr. Carlson

Thank you for sharing.

Ashe Elton Parker

Dr. Carlson,

You should be impressed, I remember your name. If you aren’t, I won’t be upset, though. I don’t expect you to remember me. The last time you saw me was back in 2007, if I remember correctly. That’s a pretty long time for a doctor who has only about fifteen minutes to devote to her patients, no matter how frequently they have to visit her, and, as I recall, I saw you once every two or three months.

I’ll be honest. You aren’t the only reason why I left Valley Mental Health’s care. First, I was denied a therapist, and I did—and do—still need therapy. Just not for the reasons I needed it to begin with. Then there was a mess with my applications for funded medications, because you’d prescribed me a “new” medication for Schizophrenia which the company who manufactured it still had sole rights to manufacture…

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A Battle to Win

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Letters from the Moon

So this is what’s been going on with me? the joy of having a chronic mental illness? – Make a notice of the sarcasm?

I am standing face to face with my brain?. heading into a battle? and I am going to win it? once again?

Yes? I have slowly been heading into a relapse of my schizophrenia ? At the same time? I realize I?ve been lucky as I have been mostly symptom-free since mid-2012? For about a year now my medication has been at a minimal dosage?. just enough to keep away symptoms ?and for the most parts? low enough for not giving me nasty side-effects to deal with?.

There has been a lot of things going on with my health lately? starting with my stomach quitting on me again in April/May and getting the tube? and the tube making my stoma overactive so I had to wake…

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CBT is not for me (yet)

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Mental health on my mind

Last year I was referred for CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy).  I was allocated a counsellor, a lovely lady, and we started in October with fortnightly sessions.  By Christmas, I was not feeling any better, and so in January I suggested that weekly sessions might be more beneficial.  My counsellor doesn’t usually work in that way, managing to see more people by seeing them on alternate weeks, but she was open to the idea so we agreed to try six weeks in a row.

During this time, it became apparent that the key concept of CBT, challenging negative thought patterns, was far more distressing than it was helpful.  I had identified my ‘core belief’, the deep-seated message that underlies all my negative thoughts, and once it was in my head I could not see past it.  I found evidence to prove my core belief, and believed (and still do) that…

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An Open Letter to MT (my therapist)

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Becoming a Warrior Queen


Dear MT,

I guess you had a health emergency this week. You cancelled my appointment with you, which you had never done before. You told me I could continue to e-mail you and you would respond if you could. I should have been grateful that you offered that. But I was scared and anxious which led to some incredible anger on my part. How could we have talked about doing something very difficult for me on Tuesday and then you cancelled my Thursday appointment? I did what we talked about and ended up with anxiety that was about sky high. My anxiety level was off the charts. I felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. I couldn’t sleep, not a wink. Not even with every medication I have access to. I was wide awake and scared. And then you cancelled my appointment, saying I could…

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Feeling Unwanted

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Another Hope Entirely

FO called me last night to see if I wanted to go to the opening of the new campaign office in our end of the state.  I thought it would be good to get out, and that’s something I could do mostly sitting down, so I said yes.  He said he’d call me in the morning and come pick me up.

He didn’t.

So now I feel pretty horrible.  I feel unwanted.  I feel like everyone hates me and wishes I’d just disappear or die so they wouldn’t have to deal with me anymore.  I feel like cutting.  I feel like purging.  I’m not quite suicidal, but I wish I could die.

And then I feel crazy for feeling this way.  I know I’m overreacting.  Probably something came up at the last minute, so he couldn’t pick me up or go.  And even if it were true that he didn’t…

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Dropping Treatment Soon?

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One Day At a Time

No one still knows what drove me to start cutting.  It has to do with how everyone treats me.  I feel more isolated now than ever.  Even before I started treatment.  That’s why I’m thinking of stopping treatment.  No one wants anything to do with me anyways.  I’m all alone and I hate it.  What can I do about it though?  I’m tired of making an effort so I might as well give up.  It won’t be an easy things= to do, but I’ll manage.  I always seem to in the end.  Is this a wise move?  Is there any cause for concern?  Will my case worker like it when I stop working with her?  At least she won’t have me to bother anymore.

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