Month: January 2015

How Things Have Changed

Thank you for sharing.

Neurochemically Challenged

I just went back in time to October 3rd 2012, and read my personal synopsis post, which was so very shocking. Back then, I really did hate myself. I had no pride, no escape from the mistakes of my past. The burden of my errors was smashing my mind to pieces. The post I read was dark, troubling, loaded with fury and seething with regret. I’m really surprised by it. I didn’t really recall it being so acutely bad. But clearly it was.

I reflect, because when I look at myself now, it’s truly amazing to see the full-scale transformation that I have undergone. I’m a man who is proud of who he chooses to be, not ashamed or otherwise mired in sadness. I am confident, assertive, charismatic, hilarious and honest. I sensed from my words that I was deep into depression and not able to grasp any sort…

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Sick of Sick Worthlessness

Thank you for sharing.

This Strange Place

Well, life’s been hectic.

And of course, I get sick at the most inopportune times.

So, I have a sore throat, fever, the works. Have had one for the past couple of days. Yesterday, I was super good. Drank tons of water. Didn’t talk. Took my medicine when I was supposed to. Super good. And it gets worse. Great. I know, I probably shortened whatever sickness I have by a few days, but still. I had a makeup jury today. Yeah, that didn’t happen.

It just makes me feel like people are getting tired of me. People are getting tired of my “sorry, but I’m sick” messages. The emails. It just makes me feel like a failure. Why can’t I stay healthy for one goddamned month?!

I just want to quit.

It makes me feel like a failure.

Most people go to classes and stuff when they’re sick. I don’t…

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Depression is hitting

Thank you sharing.

One Day at a Time

I’m literally the master of avoidance and it’s killing me. It’s killing my motivation, it’s killing my relationships and frankly it’s killing my will to live. I know I’m meant to be great and have a purpose and all of that crap but I have to much anxiety to do anything about it. I just want to be happy. I know everyone says it but I mean it. I haven’t felt joy in a really long time. I didn’t feel joy at my graduation or when I got my job or when I got my car. These all should’ve been joyful moments but they weren’t. I’m missing out on pertinent events in my life because of lack of feeling and it sucks. I’m dying on the inside and I don’t know what to do. My depression is deeper than it has ever been and I’m scared. I’m scared what my…

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PTSD

Thank you for sharing.

A Fire Woken

“I am Phoenix, child of Light.”

That’s what I used to repeat over and over to myself when I was young and suicidal. I said it when I needed, desperately, to remember that I was stronger than my circumstances.

Tonight, those words came to my mind as I was trying to process what was going on with me. Tonight, I was triggered by the unwanted touch of another. Someone tried to hug me and then put their hands on my shoulders, from behind, and squeezed gently. I spoke to this person a bit later. They apologized and said they would try to remember that not everyone likes to be touched. We parted amicably and then I headed off to the Chicago Mayoral Forum, to get my civic engagement on.

But I was unsettled. I could still feel this person’s hands on me. I felt gross and unclean. I kept telling…

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