So Very Far From Fine

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This Blog Will Not Help

I feel like a deer caught in the headlights every time someone asks me, “How are you doing?”

The expected response is, “Fine,” so that’s usually what I give. But then there are people that I feel wrong lying to.

I mean, I could say:

Well, two weeks ago I had my best couple of days since before Christmas. I pretty much forgot that I had depression. During that time, I got a job at the community college newspaper and started doing karate again and made all sorts of goals and plans for the future. Then the next week I started feeling a little overwhelmed by all of this and got kind of depressed again. I’ve gotten progressively worst and then today I was so emotionless I probably could have murdered someone and felt no remorse. How have you been?

I face a dilemma every time I want to say…

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Pain…In Bursts

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Mad Child, Angry Mama

There is a specific, particular kind of pain that brews, lurking and festering, taunting and warping the hearts of parents like me. There is an ache so deep and so all-encompassing, and still not properly describable. It grows like moss on the south side of the soul. And it sneaks up, unexpected, in the least obvious of moments and leaves a grief looming largely as the primary companion.

There are small reminders….like witnessing the “normals”, or overhearing conversations of more typical counterparts. I often have a grief hit me so instantaneously that I couldn’t have imagined it appearing moments earlier. I sometimes feel like an unwelcomed, annoying outcast, because I don’t make sense to so much of the world.

I hear others speak of their joys, and I am in no way claiming that I don’t, in other moments find my own joys of our journey and feel gratitude for…

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What To Do When Your Cover Is Blown

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Our Crappy Demons

Very recently, it came to my attention that I probably suck at hiding my OCD from everyone, especially because some of the people I hang out with can be rather…nosy.

I was actually working on sending this blog to a few teachers at my school so I could get their feedback on my writing style, the accuracy of the material in this blog, and to get a little more publicity (this ship ain’t gonna sail on it’s own), and while I was making the arrangements, one of my friends came over and sat down right next to me. She doesn’t know that I have OCD, and I don’t really plan on telling her anytime soon. Anyway, she soon began peering over my shoulder and asked me what I was working on. The close proximity between her and I was already beginning to make me a bit anxious, as she had…

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Again Again Again

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Hello internet.

I still don’t know exactly how this is supposed to work, but we’re off to the races. At least I am. Today, was not as of yet very easy going. My partner has once again proved herself to be one of the only and only amazing supportive forces that I have ever experienced. I know that she had wanted to get out of the house and run some errands and browse the thrift shops and hobby stores for things that we can’t afford, which is a lot of fun (planning for the future and the like). Unfortunately I was overtaken by the omnipresent and looming creature that is the anxiety attack. My medicine does indeed work, however symptoms and attacks linger. Thus is the crux of this post. Some people, especially my family cant understand, (as though I do). Medicine is not a fix all as much as…

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Gone with the Wind

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Voice of Depression and Anxiety

Time changes everything. I know this to be true, but that doesn’t mean that seeing the obvious signs of passing is any easier.
I spent 11 years of my adolescence in one place , and that place holds a lot of memories for me. That town , the people, and the house its self.
I went and saw the old homestead today , and it has been just about a year since the last time I was out there. It’s bittersweet. I have a lot of bad memories , and they tend to come rushing back when I visit- but there are a few good ones , too. It’s where my brother learned to ride his bike without training wheels , where we raised animals , planted gardens , and it’s where u brought home my oldest son. So I have a lot of good memories , but they can…

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